Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Girls Shouldn't Tell Lies About Having Glass Eyes

Per your requests…..

The Vegas trip of many moons ago produced some legendary tales but perhaps the most retold story is the one about a glass eye.

It was our second night in Vegas and the two of us already felt like we owned the town. While checking out the line for one of the clubs, Christina-Small-Bladder leaves me to find a bathroom. I stayed behind and much to my good fortune, I was approached by two good-looking guys. We talked for no more then a minute before they hit me with the line I am all too familiar with.

“So, your friend is hot. Is she single?”

In fairness to these fools I will say my friend is beautiful, if you’re into that exotic, wide-eyed, big breasted, tiny waist’d, white teeth look that just so happens to be complimented with a great personality…what’evs.

Maybe it was out of bitterness or jealousy but I replied with, “Oh, Christina? Yeah, she’s single but really shy.”

“Really? She didn’t seem very shy when we overheard her heckling the bouncer trying to get you two in for free?”

“Err-yeah-well, you see she has this glass eye and whenever she drinks it wanders a bit. It makes her pretty self conscious.”

“A wandering glass eye? No way! Dude, we have got to see this!”

Unable to control my verbal diarrhea of lies, I went on to explain, “You probably won’t notice it when she gets back because we haven’t had a thing to drink today [*cough- more lies-cough*]. Plus, it is a top-of-line glass eye, a Mager-Gougelman I believe.”

Christina finally rejoined us and I introduced her to my new friends, Mr. Gullible and Mr. Believes-anything.

For the chance to see a hot girl's wandering glass eye our new friends are more than eager to pay our cover and bar tab. Several hours later Mr. Believes-anything looked at Christina and slured, “Sooooooo, I gotta assk. Which one isss it?"

Bewildered Christina answers, “Which one is what?”

“Which eye is made of glasssss”

“I don’t have a glass eye?”

Mr. Gullible chimed in, “It’s ok. Your friend told us and we still think you’re hot.”

“What are you talking about? I don’t have a glass eye.” She looked at me as I tried to keep busy by stabbing the cherry in my glass.

“C’mon, we just want to see if it has started to wander yet or if we need to order another round.”

“I do NOT have a glass eye! Joanne???”

“Arightly boys, thanks for the drinks – I think it’s time for us to go,” I interjected before they had a chance to ask us to pony-up for the last round.

As we passed a bouncer on our way out I asked, “Where is the closest pharmacy?”

“What do we need a pharmacy for?” Christina questioned.

“Do you really need to ask? We just spent all night in at the bar and didn’t spend a dime. We are off to get you an eye patch!”


Jayne said...

You really are the next Candace Bushnell!

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