Thursday, June 4, 2009

I’ve been Squeemed!

At dinner last week I was updating a friend on my dating detox progress. I mentioned I was in the market for some serious it-would-be-nice-to-go-on-a-second-date-in-2009-shape-ware when she interrupted me with, “You have got to get yourself a Squeem!”

She gave this new age girdle such rave reviews I was intrigued. “Where does one buy a Squeem?” I asked.

Linda the Bra Lady on Lexington and 63rd Street.”

The next day I was google’ing “Squeem” before reading my daily morning gossip sites. I was already anxious to see what this Squeem could do for me but had no idea all it had too offer!

The Squeem website boasted the following benefits….
-You look better instantly
-Reduces weight
-Motivates you to take better care of yourself
-Diminishes back pain
-Quickens recover post pregnancy and surgery

And posted the following warnings in small print….
-Weight loss is accelerated as a result of compression and perspiration
-Consult your doctor if you have a medical condition or recovering from plastic surgery
-If you feel any kind of discomfort using this product, stop use immediately and contact your Squeem retailer

After browsing all the Squeem products I couldn’t decide what to get. Should I go with the Squeem meant for 8-10 hours of daily wear or go for the "High Compression Squeem" that comes with the disclaimer it is only meant to be worn for a maximum of 3 hours?

A few hours later I was in Linda's Bra Salon on my lunch break. The upscale brassiere boutique required me to sign in before anyone would point me in the direction of the Squeem world.

Within seconds of my name being called I was whisked away to a dressing room where I was joined by an intimidating sales associated who had one fierce asymmetrical haircut.

“Hello, my name is Tiffany. What can we do for you today?”
“I would like to buy a Squeem.”
“Alrighty. What size would you like to try?”

The lingering aftertaste of my pepperoni pizza lunch told me it was best to go with the large. The sales associated dashed out and quickly returned with a harmless looking contraption.

“Take of your shirt. I’ll help you get it on,” Tiffany instructed. Feeling a bit insulted that this women assumed I an unable to put on my own undergarment I hesitated for a moment but followed directions.

“Ok, hold onto the wall and brace yourself,” she ordered as she stretched the ace bandage looking girdle around my midsection. I grasped onto the wall, held my breath and sucked it in. My mind quickly wandered to the scene in Meet Me in St. Louis when Judy Garland is lacing up her sister’s corset while she hangs onto the bed post before the big dance. But before I could sing the first line of the Trolley Song Tiffany had me locked in.

Holy smokes! I can’t exhale but I looked fantastic!

Tiffany gives the top a quick tug, frowns and says, “This is way to big.”
“Really? Because I don’t think I can bend at the waist," I say slightly out of breath.
“Yeah, I’ll be right back.”

Tiff returns with a medium and I assumed the wall/waist cinching position. With lightening speed I was re-squeemed. Once again unable to exhale and feeling a little light headed I was amazed when I look in the mirror. Wow! Who knew cotton, spandex and titanium rods could do so much for a girl's figure???

"I'll take it!"

Finally feeling like I have a bit of privacy, I take another look in the mirror and notice there are tiny beads of sweat starting to form on my forehead. Man-oh-man.. 'Compression sweating' is no joke!*

P.S. They also make products for men!

*Note to self: Must never wear Squeem if temperature is higher then 72 degrees.