Thursday, July 30, 2009

All the single bridesmaid, All the single bridemaid..oh..oh..oh

Bridesmaid Rule # 557 – If you will be attending the wedding single, you must look your most fabulous.

With so many factors out of your control (dress, hair, hours of open bar, ratio of single men to women) there is one thing you can do – diet! I was fortunate enough to have been in diet mode with out realizing it for several weeks prior (thank you strange unexpected brief illness). Fearing the dreaded mass Facebook 'tagging' after events like these I hoped the bride’s photographer would be a skilled Photoxe’r [1].

When I tried on the assigned dress I was quick to realize I needed to always pose with my hands on my hips. This was the only pose that would minimize the bulge of boob-fat that tends to stick out over the top of a strapless dresses, something that not even the Squeem could hide.

Without a date to entertain or show off I embraced the role of dutiful attendant. When it was time for the rehearsal to start I was officially in bridesmaid-mode. There was a packed agenda over the next twelve hours and no time to prowl for a date.

The day of the wedding I was feeling very proud that I kept from over–indulging in the food and festivities that night before but still had my fingers crossed that my dress would zip. Just two hours before go-time it was my moment of truth, time for the final zip up. I enlisted the aid of another bridesmaid and told her not to worry about pinching me just get the dressed zipped.

“Is it going to go?” I ask
“Uh-yeah, it went”
“Seriously? It’s feels a little loose up top. Did you clip the hook and eye?”
“Yeah. JoannE, this dress is too big. You need to find a safety pin”

No-freakin-way! I skipped the late night pizza to fit into the dress and now your telling me I should have had two slices!?!? Life is not fair!

It wasn’t until the reception I was reminded of my perpetual singldom. I was relieved to hear there would be no bouquet toss as I took my place in the bridal party promenade. I was seated at a table full of college friends+dates and my place card was carefully placed in position.

Sitting down, I say hello to everyone and then noticed…I was seated next to an empty chair! Ok, maybe my RSVP was a little late but I definitely only RSPV’d for one! I don’t know if I was flattered that perhaps my friend thought that I could seriously round up a date during the 12 hours I had in town before the wedding or embarrassed that even with a two year notice I was still unable to find a date.

Once I helped myself to my glass of champagne, the pre-poured glass for my “date” and my friend's glass, I felt ok. Seriously, who is even going to notice the bridesmaid seated next to an empty chair?

“We’re going to keep things moving," the band's lead singer announces. "I would like to have the best man and JoannE come to front for a toasts.” All head turn towards me and my empty chair of the date (see photo).

Eh, maybe the bartenders would feel bad for me and make sure all my drinks were double poured.

The band starts and the reception is in full swing. I try my bridesmaid-best to encourage everyone on the dance floor. My most eager dancing buddies of the night were the groom’s 6, 7 and 8 year old nieces. The only thing that could take me away from the party besides last call would be Cake! Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see the waiters begin to serve the cake. Would I be so lucky that they would leave a piece for my ‘date’ too?

As I am about to take my first bite of cake, I receive my first (and only) invitation to dance of the evening. I smiled and politely declined as I explained to the groom’s six year old niece that I have not had refined carbohydrates, eggs, gluten, let alone a dessert in 270 days, and since I was already zipped into my dress, I was not putting my fork down now. She may not have known what a refine carbohydrate was but she understood crazy. So yes, I’ll admit it, I dove off the gluten-free wagon head first into a butter cream frosted bowl of dark chocolate cake and it was delicious!

Not long after my gluten and refine sugar binge (did I mention it was topped with ice cream) I was reminded why I don’t eat that stuff. Quickly I washed down some digestive aids with my remaining cocktail.


After a few more dances, vodka sodas, digestive adds and perfectly posed pictures, the reception came to an end and I took my rather tired elbows back to the room to rest.

*To my dear friend The Wildcat and her new husband-
Great Weekend, Great Party & Cheers to a Great Marriage!


[1] Photox - PhotoShop Botox, or 'digital dieting': cameraholics, phonewhores and photo-phobes who resort to the use of any pixel-altering digital program ardently removing the extra 'relaxed muscle' they have, in order to come out thinner! (courtesy of
Urbandictionary.com)


Practice makes perfect!..............