Monday, November 9, 2009

Breaking up is hard to do

Breaking up is hard to do, especially if the Break-up'eee is capable of reporting you to the board of mental health. I've never been good at ending a relationships and have sometimes relied on Facebook to spread the word, but this on is tricky. How do I break up with my therapist?

Our relationship began in August after blowing out the candles on the [gluten free] cake that kicked the last year of my 'mid-twenties.’ I was getting use to being a student again and still seeking a successful second date in 2009 when I took my coworkers recommendations and set up an appointment with her therapist.

Three months later I’m running up Park Avenue on my lunch break obsessively checking my blackberry so it is not too obviously that once again I’m taking an hour and half lunch break. The forty-five minute appointment starts fifteen minutes late and I start playing the role of dutiful student in what feels like a freshman year ‘Study Skills’ class

On more than one occasion I have said I’d rather spend my t$me learning how I can improve my dating life but our discussions typically go as follows:

joannE.: “I need some major help in the dating department.”
Dr: “We cannot control who we meet.”
joannE.: “Yes, I understand that. But when I do meet someone, do you have any mind controlling tricks (or pills) that would keep me from spewing verbal diarrhea all over my date?”
Dr: “Having you considered using a daily planner?”

What I would really like to say is, “Save the daily planner lecture lady. The only time I’m stressed about time management is when I feel the need to sprint up to your office every other week just to convince you I’m not crazy. And while I'm on the topic of stress, I told you in full disclosure I lack of control over eating all things chocolate and you sit me in front of a candy dish overflowing with Hershey kisses. Not cool.”

So how do I end thing? If I just stop showing up will it be noted on my permanent record? I’m contemplated leaving her a voicemail after hours saying, “Good news, I’m cured. Thanks for the therapy’ or maybe some more practical like, “Lost my health insurance, I’ll give you a call when congress passes the health care bill.”

Please advise.

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